Abandoned

I’m sitting here in the dark living room. Loving the storm that has killed the sun. Hating the heat that is overpowering and covering my flesh with sweat.

Like every day I feel like a jumbled up mess. The makeup company is doing great. I am being forced to do more every day. I have to be creative. To comunicate with strangers and new friends. To be more organized. I have to balance a very small, very tight budget. Most days it is good and fun. Some days I get overwelmed and upset. But I need it and I love it and I’m learning to deal better with shit. My shit and other peoples shit.

Owning my own business was always the right path for me. The only path I could take. I’ve worked only three real jobs in my life. The longest was at Fuji in FL. I would break down constantly there. I’d hide in bathroom crying and sobbing. Sometimes I would multilate myself trying to calm down. I could not deal with it. It wasn’t a hard job, I just couldn’t handle being watched and controlled. I can’t do normal jobs.

I’ve done other things for money, legal and otherwise. House cleaning, repairs, babysitting, working as a Domme. Shit work generally for shit pay usually. Selling porn was the most profitable. Hell, I made over three hundred dollars selling Blueblood content as an affliate but that was for hundreds of hours of work and time. Doing affliate work just made me sad after a while. I watched to shoot porn, not sell other peoples stuff. I still do, and I will in time.

I tried to do the music label but I am horrible at self promotion. I don’t like the kissass bullshit of the business. I don’t want to have hundreds of band friends so I can get shit from them. It makes me feel slimy. I stillmake and release music but it’s a strange thing to think about. I get sad and frustrated. I’m not the rock star I wanted to be. It’s hard for an introvert who can’t talk to people to find other people to be in bands with. I still want it though. I want a good band that does a shitload of shows. I crave it and think about it every day.

The makeup company has helped me. I’m going to keep it alive and keep going farther with it. Who knows where it might take me. Maybe the best it will be is that it is large enough to support me and pay for itself. If so, that is definately big enough for me. Maybe it will get much larger… If so, I’ll just follow along behind it.

what all zombies need…

Is mini brain necklaces! These are not finished yet. They need to be drill and sanded. I can’t drill them until I receive a drill part in the mail.

The red brain orgy:


Hand for size comparison:

close up on the glitter brain:

Close up on a nonglitter brain:

Fester does not want the world today…

I can completely understand.

Wholesale orders

I’ve been receiving various questions about wholesale orders recently with the makeup company. I can’t help but get offended by them. I have spent a long time creating the best colors I can, I don’t want sell them to girls who are too lazy to come up with their own shades. If the wholesale orders were about buying a thousand jars with my label still on them, I would jump on that. But no, I will not sell out my work to lazy creatures who want to lie and buy pretty colors. Considering the average mmu company sells their jars for around $7-$9 they would probably make a nice profit off of me anyway.

I mean, it’s nice that people like what I’m doing enough to want to mimic me, but it moreso just pisses me off.

I received my first order from Italy recently. I’ll slowly conquer the world! Haha.

Sigrid is fucking awesome!

Fester is not amused…

It is surprising hard to take photos of a creature that doesn’t move much. This is a macro shot with flash. The flash pissed him off and he buried himself in the substrate afterwords.

frogs and a new tattoo

New stag betle tattoo: (dorkus Titanus)

Closer:

This is my new pacman Fester:

Pennywise aka Fatass:

Bad shot of Pugsley:

Fragments of the past week

A creep on the bus stares at me and my friend. His eyes go from my breasts to hers and back again.

Frat boys looks Alyssa up and down and nods at her. We both stare at him in horror and disgust.

Bliss at Amelies Cafe. Bourban chicken done wonderfully.

Christain Bale makes me want to do horrible things to him in Terminator.

Sick most of week. Frail and filled with mucus.

My new pacman frog is doing great. His name is Fester and he is a lazy shit. He just let’s his food wander over to him then he gobbles them down. Flooded the tank a bit. Still getting used to the weirdness of coco fiber. Amused by the crickets I feed him.

Gave my rats away to someone on craigslist. I liked them but the smell was effecting my asthma.

Hurt roommate feelings by not coming with her to mar-con. I feel shitty about it but glad I didn’t go.

Received my first UK makeup order.

Out with the flu

A nasty case of the flu has been kicking my fucking ass. Fever, dizziness, shortness of breath, sweats, sore throat, and general grossness kept me in bed since Thursday. I thought I was going to have to go in the hospital I so fucked up. My asthma decided to join in on the fun too.

Finally today I feel better. Not completely ok, but able to get out of bed. I’m bummed out because I missed out on a photoshoot I was doing, but I litterly could not get up.

It took me an hour to fill four big orders today. It should have taken at most fifteen minutes but I had to keep taking breaks. Hopefully the shit is completely tomorrow so I can live my normal boring life.

I have a new eyeshadow called Scar that I am releasing soon. It’s a pinkish gray color that looks purple when applied wet. Very cool shit. Hopefully I can take some pics and release it in the next couple of days.

Fatties don’t deserve pretty clothes

Or happy relationships. Or sex lives. But that is another rant. After checking out nudemuse.org ( a cool blog you should read) I got mad. In a recent post Shannon was talking about the ethics of sizeism. If someone makes a pretty shirt/skirt/ dress and charges too much to make it in your size, is it okay to steal it to make your own version. I have to say, fuck yeah. I refuse to pay a fuckload more for a couplemore inches of fabric.

My roommate emailed an etsy seller recently about a corset she made. It’s a pretty design with a ribcage image on the front of it. My roommate asked if she could make it in her size. Miss evil etsy said no, it could not be made in a size above 30. WTF! Yes, fat girls don’t deserve pretty overpriced clothes! Fuck you. If you can’t add a couple inches to your design then you just are not much of a seamtress.

Another thing that irritates the fuck out of me is that Hot Topic now charges more for anything above a L. Fat people must pay sometimes five bucks more for overpriced ugly mall clothes. Nice. I can’t say I buy much from them, but I do browse the clearence section if I’m in a mall. Not that I ever find anything.

I wish I could afford to pay someone to make clothing for me. I could help design it and pick out fabrics, but I have very little sewing ability. I may snap and buy a good machine out of sheer desperation. I want pretty clothing and I don’t want to be a size 8 to wear it!