Sick bus chick

Yesterday I was really depressed. I went to a shopping strip to pick up a few things. It was extremely painful to do. The weather was around thirty degrees with a nice agonizing breeze. I had to take the bus because I am carless. The weather took it’s toll on my body. Just standing there for the twenty minutes or so just sucked. The cold crept inside me and made me shiver.

My body reminded me of how weak it is right now. My legs ached walking short distances. Ones I wouldn’t have had a problem with three years ago. I was covered in sweat and shaky. I don’t mean nice girly perspiration, I mean that my hair was soaked through like I had just gotten out of the shower. I tripped out of dizziness and almost fell on my damn face. My lungs decided to join in the fun and made breathing difficult. Not wheezing just tightness. Enough to be uncomfortable not life threatening.

I became depressed because of this. Because my body is sick and weak. Because my life is much harder than it needs to be. I’m sick of riding the bus. I’m sick of not having control of where and when I go places. So after we get to Portland a car is a must buy. I’m a car person. This shit is just intolerable. Fuck the bus. Fuck standing in the street waiting for it to show, knowing that walking in some cases would be faster, but more painful. Fuck this shit. I am getting a car and no one will stop me.

watch fatty whine

Weight is slowly dropping again. Back down to 256 from 260 early last week. Scale seems quite accurate.

I did have to cut down on my exercise time, because I pushed myself a bit too hard. So now I’m doing half an hour a day instead of an hour. Yeah, I know, but anything less and I gain weight.

Morbid obesity runs in my family. Many of my relatives are around four hundred pounds. I could get there as well if I let myself. I refuse to, but this battle is so slow and painful. It’s so easy to fuck up. So easy to let myself gain more and more and more. Limiting my mobility, limiting my life. I can easily gain five pounds in a week if I’m not careful. Other people who don’t have these weight problems just don’t understand.

More weight issues

I think one of the biggest problems I have with my weight is food. No, I generally don’t overeat, I undereat, but what I do eat is generally bad for me. This has been an issue most of my life. I’m just not hungry and dislike eating during the day, so when night comes I eat a big fatty dinner.

I’ve been trying hard to change this. To eat small snacks and meals throughout the day, but the big dinner is hard to avoid. I think I’ll never to think of it as a permanent change and not just a temporary diet change. I love eating a big bowl of cheesy meaty pasta before I go to sleep, but all those calories are just sitting inside of me as I sleep. Then when I exercise I’m just burning off last nights dinner instead of actual fat. Not helpful.

So four things I need to do to help with the weight loss are:
1) eat more often
2) eat smaller healthier dinners
3) avoid sugary drinks
4) exercise

260

My new scale came three days ago. I’ve weighed myself more than twenty times at completely different times of the day and my weight only varies by a few pounds on it. I’m back to 260. Fuck.

Well, it looks like I have farther to go than I thought.

“People like you, fuck people like me…”

I was sick for two days a generally miserable flu type thing. But I woke up today and felt better. I was able to exercise and I feel alive again.

Exercise helps hold my life together. It’s what I do everyday. The amount and the intensity varies, but I do it every damn day. While I work out I’m able to think without distraction. I plan my day and think about all that needs to be done. Sometimes it’s a creative time where I tell myself stories about the lives of different characters in my head. It’s a personal time for me and I hate any intrusion. My roommates know to leave me alone after some fighting occured.

It’s a good feeling to have my body wake up and feel the blood flow. It’s helps me break down the barrier that has existed between my mind and body and makes me feel whole. That’s a whole different rant there.

New scale

Just picked up this scale from walmart: Taylor Brushed Stainless High Capacity Weigtht Scale, Model 7402 : http://www.walmart.com/ip/Taylor-Brushed-Stainless-High-Capacity-Weigtht-Scale-Model-7402/5740777

Happy new year

It’s a new year now. It’s hard to believe, because 2010 seemed to last so long and went so fast at the same time. My basic new years resolutions are:
1) Move to Portland this summer
2) lose and maintain a healthy weight
3) run my business better
4) be a better person
5) make more art

Not a long list but quite complicated. I’ll write posts about each one of these resolutions because a single post would be too long.

***

I’m sitting here in my living room and thinking about one of the few reason I enjoy Ohio: the weather. It’s in the mid fifties today and rainy. Four days ago it was thirty and snowy. Tomorrow there could be a blizzard. The unpredictability of the weather is nice. It gives you a break from the snow and freezing temperatures. I’ll miss it, because Portland’s weather is a bit more civilized and stable.