new hair

Here are some photos of my lovely fried and dyed hair. I have a high undercut to make my hair much thinner. I bleached then dyed my hair green over the Atomic Pink. The green didn’t look very good, so I tried to bleach it out. Again, and again, and again. Its still there and is making my hair a pale green and yellow mess. I’m amused by how bad it looks and I am just letting it stay this way for now.

Melting

Yesterday was the first truly hot day of the year which makes exercise much more difficult. My weight is currently around 260 and has remained there the past few months. I am unhappy about this, but I am to blame. Too much rich food and too little activity equals excessive weight. Trying to change that but it is slow going.

Yesterday also sucked because I had a meltdown. I was overwhelmed by anxiety and was very upset. Stress about a lot of things has been weighing on me. All of it will be resolved within the next few months but the uncertainty is killing me.

I just really hate those days that I’m too fucked up to work. I feel lazy and gross despite knowing that I’m not to blame. Thankfully, those days are few now. My depression used to rule every second of every day, but now it just comes and stays for a while. Keeping busy seems to help. Having a job and something other than myself to dwell on helps, but not all the time. I’ve learned to just accept those horrible days where my mind turns against me. There’s nothing that can be done and they do end. I’m not laying in bed wishing for death anymore and I’m grateful for that.

Working class

Currently reading Anne McCaffrey’s Pern books. Almost finished with the third one The White Dragon. Also reading The 4-hour workweek by Timothy Ferriss. I enjoy the book because he’s saying of the same things I do about work. That a task that takes more time is not necessarily more important. That working your ass off doesn’t mean you will rewarded for it. The idea that working 60+ hours a week is a horrible waste of a life. To be more effective is better. The goal of work should be to support yourself to live the life you want and to work as little as possible.

That retirement is a joke. To save up a huge amount of money and wait to do things when you are older is a waste. Do things now. You can, if make them a priority and save up. A life spent working nonstop is a pointless miserable life. It’s a life I do not want.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about my childhood recently. One of the things that sticks out to me is how much my mom worked. She spent 50-60 hours a week, every week working at a job she hated. A cog in a big machine. She was not necessary. Needed. She had nothing but contempt for those that worked less or couldn’t work. When I was sick and not able to work anymore, she was disgusted by me. I was one of those gross government leeches.
She was a miserable sad person. I knew work wasn’t completely to blaim, but it did take a lot out of her. I didn’t want to live like her and I don’t.