Learning how to jog

Just got back home from a nice hour long walk outside. The weather gorgeous and it seemed wrong not to go and enjoy it. We mostly walked but I did short bursts of jogging too. Jogging is really hard for me to do. My lungs and body just are not used to the movement. I feel really embarrassed when I did it too. It’s an awkward way to move. I hope I can keep building a tolerance and do more over time. Maybe in a year or so I’ll be able to go without stopping for a mile.

So disappointed. Due to health issues, stress, depression, and bad eating habits my weight keeps climbing. I’m almost at 270 again. I’ve gained almost a hundred pounds since we moved back here three years ago.

I’m not binge eating and I exercise daily. Usually just walking, but I throw in more intense stuff. I’m just so sad at how poorly it’s working.

I’ve found a doctor and I’m scheduling an appointment today. I have a problem and I can’t do this alone. I should probably find a shrink too… But that’s not going to happen. My immune system is shot. I get sick every week now. If I’m on the right medications to help me deal with my asthma then maybe I can successfully deal with the weight too.

Sick bus chick

Yesterday I was really depressed. I went to a shopping strip to pick up a few things. It was extremely painful to do. The weather was around thirty degrees with a nice agonizing breeze. I had to take the bus because I am carless. The weather took it’s toll on my body. Just standing there for the twenty minutes or so just sucked. The cold crept inside me and made me shiver.

My body reminded me of how weak it is right now. My legs ached walking short distances. Ones I wouldn’t have had a problem with three years ago. I was covered in sweat and shaky. I don’t mean nice girly perspiration, I mean that my hair was soaked through like I had just gotten out of the shower. I tripped out of dizziness and almost fell on my damn face. My lungs decided to join in the fun and made breathing difficult. Not wheezing just tightness. Enough to be uncomfortable not life threatening.

I became depressed because of this. Because my body is sick and weak. Because my life is much harder than it needs to be. I’m sick of riding the bus. I’m sick of not having control of where and when I go places. So after we get to Portland a car is a must buy. I’m a car person. This shit is just intolerable. Fuck the bus. Fuck standing in the street waiting for it to show, knowing that walking in some cases would be faster, but more painful. Fuck this shit. I am getting a car and no one will stop me.

watch fatty whine

Weight is slowly dropping again. Back down to 256 from 260 early last week. Scale seems quite accurate.

I did have to cut down on my exercise time, because I pushed myself a bit too hard. So now I’m doing half an hour a day instead of an hour. Yeah, I know, but anything less and I gain weight.

Morbid obesity runs in my family. Many of my relatives are around four hundred pounds. I could get there as well if I let myself. I refuse to, but this battle is so slow and painful. It’s so easy to fuck up. So easy to let myself gain more and more and more. Limiting my mobility, limiting my life. I can easily gain five pounds in a week if I’m not careful. Other people who don’t have these weight problems just don’t understand.

More weight issues

I think one of the biggest problems I have with my weight is food. No, I generally don’t overeat, I undereat, but what I do eat is generally bad for me. This has been an issue most of my life. I’m just not hungry and dislike eating during the day, so when night comes I eat a big fatty dinner.

I’ve been trying hard to change this. To eat small snacks and meals throughout the day, but the big dinner is hard to avoid. I think I’ll never to think of it as a permanent change and not just a temporary diet change. I love eating a big bowl of cheesy meaty pasta before I go to sleep, but all those calories are just sitting inside of me as I sleep. Then when I exercise I’m just burning off last nights dinner instead of actual fat. Not helpful.

So four things I need to do to help with the weight loss are:
1) eat more often
2) eat smaller healthier dinners
3) avoid sugary drinks
4) exercise